i don't really know what happened. but i hung up in a sudden rush. i guess it's what he said.
"i don't really care about your life."
i pretended to laugh. but i couldn't hold up. tears started to form in my eyes (&i can't let them stop)
i don't know why i keep up with him. or even care. i guess it's just how he makes me feel sometimes. he's different from the rest. but i can't pin point what it is about him. the moment he held me tight in that pouring rain stood up in my mind.
i wanted to feel good again.
i wanted to feel him again.
the pain he caused me i know amounts to nothing compared to the good he had done. it's just not that simple when best friends become lovers i guess.
&in this situation nothing is ever that simple.
i can tell you how much i love him. but i'm not pretty sure now. everyone just disapproves. everyone just tells me i deserve better. &i guess i really do. darling, that moment i told you it didn't hurt when you didn't show up i lied.
(i stayed up all night crying)
"september 01; 10:10 PM;
dear lover, this is one of those letters you'll never get your hands on. but i just wanted to write out my feelings. i hung up on you again, but i gave a call back. last night you texted me. 'hey do you really think i'm the one for you?'
i don't get the point. but it surely did make me think. sadly enough, no i don't think you're the one for me. but all i can say is that i love you with every inch of my body. and when i said love, i meant friendship.
i tried so many times to talk to you. but i can't seem to get myself to. i'm just scared. scared that you'll laugh at me. scared that you just WON'T FUCKING CARE.
(which i'm pretty sure you won't)"
you see, i pretty much have my mind set on doubt.
change that if you will. (&i'm really hoping for you to)
"september 03; 11:48 PM;
last night, you told me you liked someone else.
oh you don't even know how much that broke my heart.
(i wanted to hang up. but hearing your voice suddenly makes me change my mind)
hey, i like her. but i love you.'
you don't know how much i want to believe that. so i did.
10;45. you called. again.
i was happy to see your name on my phone screen.
you told me that you're not cheating on me. and that you like me more than her.
baby, i didn't really know what to say.
so i ended up being silent. i hope that was alright."
1 week.
4 days.
still, i haven't seen your face.
to be honest, i miss seeing you smile.
&your eyes always takes me away.
you know, i stopped wishing on the stars
the moment you told me you'd make my wishes come true.
where's the boy who promised me that ?
please find him soon.
(cause i miss him so much)
"september 05; 5:36 PM;
you see,
all i really want is for you to show
that you care.
i don't want your words of comfort.
i want your arms around me &your lips brushing against mine.
maybe.
if i had the guts to send you this.
everything would be alright.
(but like you, it's somewhere i can't find)"
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